I have to be honest and say that I really enjoy writing about real life experiences, it just feels like I’m able to help and reach out to someone on a more personal level, even though I may not know them personally. I was really just going to make this a Fashion Post/Outfit of the Day (OOTD), but I love expressing myself on this platform and discussing passionately certain situations/experiences I have faced even though it can be hard sometimes.
The Background Story
So where do I start? Last year ended on quite a bad note for me, but also in a way, a positive note, I let go of a very long, hard and serious relationship. One where, yes I’m sure you heard it all before, “I thought this was the one, its going to last forever” type of thing. 2 and a half years. Someone who most definitely changed my life, my perspective on everything in general. Although, the relationship wasn’t all bad and there were many good times, ones that I will always cherish. It was definitely a situation where there was a cycle, a pattern of destruction, that I just never came to terms with. I always had hope that it will get better, no matter what anyone said to me. I definitely guarded that relationship with everything I had because I wanted it to get better and spend the rest of my life with this person. Now when I look back, I know that I fell deeply in love… for there is no other word to describe how I felt about him and what I was able to tolerate.
When it was good, our relationship was amazing but damaging and explosive when it was bad. We brought out a whole new side of each other’s personality with the way we argued, maybe if I was the one looking from the outside into my relationship, I would say toxic. But I was always drawn back and fond of the amazing moments that were made during our relationship. We were just young, hadn’t discovered or “found ourselves”.
As a result of all this my self-esteem, self-confidence, insecurities all found their way of making me feel less of the woman I was. Something just didn’t sit right with me and my conscience. I just knew that I really changed and turned into a different person, everyone knew me as this fun bubbly and energetic person. Especially in my first year of university, I was so confident. Not to say I wasn’t at all the entire relationship, but I could definitely feel that my insecurities heightened. My confidence was gradually decreasing and my self-esteem was poor.
Being the over-thinker and the emotional cancerian star sign that I am, my emotions were heightened on a massive scale during this relationship. I had never thought of myself to be much of a crier, but during this time, I cried with all my heart when things got too much, I must say, that I too was shocked at just how much one could cry over a man. Often after crying, I’d sit, think and analyse everything.This led to resentment and grudges being held over things we never fully resolved. As you can imagine, feeling this way for a long period of time is not only physically draining but more importantly mentally exhausting. I could never forget the things he did to hurt me. That’s when I knew that this was not ok, I was settling for less than I deserved.
Getting out of this relationship is probably the hardest thing I have ever done. I often doubt my decision to leave and found myself thinking ‘what if I just continued pushing through?’, ‘what if he was eventually going to change?’, ‘maybe I could have fixed him!’ but then i eventually came to terms with the fact that he was never going to change and if he was, it wasn’t going to be for me.
I have to say and give it up to all of my friends for putting up with me during this confusing but difficult period in my life. I have to say everyone tried to tell me and warn me, but I had an attachment to this person. I kept believing and having hope in him. I just saw potential. I appreciated my friends and their advice, but I honestly do believe that you have to be in a place where you are ready to let things go for yourself. You have to make the decision to choose your sanity over the person you claim to love. No one else could ever make that decision for you but yourself. Its very hard though because everyone who cares for you knows your worth and wants the best for you and to be happy.
But if its not your time to let go, you will not do it until you are mentally, physically and emotionally ready to do so. There were moments where I couldn’t and didn’t want to tell anyone about anything I was dealing with or going through in that relationship. Distanced myself from people and everyone because I felt embarassed and ashamed and just knew that the more I vented my feelings about the situation the more I felt like people would judge me for my actions, I know its bad but its true. When people are telling you things and you just don’t want to believe it, you just distance subconsiously.
I and my best friend of 6 years, grew apart for many reasons. She saw everything I had been through and couldn’t understand how I still wanted to stay in the relationship. I now understand how hard it must have been for not only her but everyone who cared for me to see me upset over the issues in the relationship most of the time. It definitely took a toll on some friendships as I found that I couldn’t really confide in my ex as much as I would have liked to. The more arguments the more emotionally distant he would become and so would I. This then led to me confiding and venting to my friends, which isn’t always the best option depending on the type of friends you have but, it gives you another perspective on the relationship from someone on the outside looking in.
As of recent, we re-kindled the friendship and little did we know were both experiencing heartbreak around the same time but due to us not talking we never actually knew. I must say our friendship was tested many times during the relationship, but we always bounced back no matter what.
What I have learnt?
I learnt a lot about relationships with people in general.
I learnt about myself, my personality despite going through it.
It made me value the company I keep, who I let into my space. The people I surround myself with.
It showed me my potential and how I can love, when I genuinely have feelings for someone.
It taught me the importance of self-love.
It taught me how I need to work on myself and make myself whole, before I choose to let anyone into my life like that again.
It taught me that I want to be independent and stable on my own before I choose to be with someone.
It taught me that I can be an emotional person
It taught me what I want, need and cannot tolerate.
Despite the negatives, I grew and developed, It made me stronger and would not say I regret anything.
It brought me closer to God by trusting in him throughout the process.
This was a very long one but I hope you felt something from reading this and hopefully I am able to reach out to someone going through a similar situation.
Comment below and feel free to discuss with me as I love it when you engage with my posts, also look out for more topics related to this. Coming Soon…
BoséTags: Blogger, Boyfriend, Breakups, Fashion, featured, Friendships, Life Experiences, Love, OOTD, Outfit, Relationships, Self-Love, university